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Feb13

“Why I quit” – Pope confesses

Pope Benedict XVIGreetings from the Vatican. Guess what, I’ve written this using my Twitter account, LOL!

I surprised many people recently by announcing my retirement. People have been asking, “WTF Benedict, why?”

First of all, my name is Joseph Ratzinger, not Benedict. How would you like it if you took on a new job, and everyone started calling you some other name? You’d feel pretty fricken confused at first, then angry. I understand Karol wanting to be called Pope John Paul, because he had a girl’s name. But what the heck is wrong with calling me Pope Joseph? Joseph was the father of Jesus. (Yeah yeah, Mary was a virgin. LMAO!)

So why did I retire? Well the short answer is that I’m too old for this shit. I was 78 years old when I was elected Pope. At the time I was preparing to enter the retirement village. I was looking forward to playing some canasta with my buddies. Then they go, “Oh Joseph, we need someone to replace Karol, who has just passed away.” I go, can’t you just keep propping him up with a pole like you’ve always done?” They go, “No, his body is decomposing and he’s starting to look like a shish kebab.” ROFL! So I took on the job.

It wasn’t long before I realised that the cardinals had only voted me in because they thought I was too old to interfere with their affairs. Sex offences, money laundering. Instead of Pope, they should have called me the Godfather! Later my butler tried to leak the dirt to the media by stealing my private files. OMG, my butler FFS!

Then I had to deal with all these world issues.

They asked me about condoms and HIV in Africa. I said, ‘IMO, condoms aren’t the answer. The answer is that these randy Africans stop humping each other and become more like our fine priests’. Our priests don’t have HIV of course, because the only people they hump are virgin boys under the age of 14.

So then they start asking about paedophilia among priests. I said, ‘Look, it sickens me. But this sort of thing is in the past. All these priests are now too old to get it up. They are no harm to anyone. Just don’t give them any Viagra and the issue will go away.’

Then I had to deal with all these other loud mouths, like those saying women should be allowed to become priests. That is a funny one. What is the point of having women in the priesthood? Women are only good for cooking and cleaning. They have nothing sensible to say.

Then the gays – WTF? I warned the world in my 2012 Christmas speech that gay marriage was the biggest threat facing mankind. Forget about Iran getting the bomb. Forget about global warming. When you see gays exchanging vows at the altar, you know the world is truly gone to hell!

So when I picked up the newspaper and heard that the British parliament had approved gay marriage, I thought, I give up, no one’s listening. What’s the point in being fricken Pope if no one listens?

So I’m going to spend my time in retirement praying to God that the world does not become overrun by homosexuals, and that the Church will one day regain its position as the undisputed authority over all mankind. Bring back the good old days! Haha, JK.

BTW, GL to the next Pope. He’ll need it!

GTG. Bye noobs!

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Jan09

Lance: “Winning was everything”

The following is a preview from Oprah’s exclusive interview (unofficial)

Lance "Needle" Armstung

Lance “Needle” Armstung is sorry

Oprah: Let me get straight to the question that everyone would like you to answer. Have you ever been a doper?

Lance: I’ve never been a doper.

Oprah: But former teammates have confessed that you have been a doper. The US Anti-Doping Agency concluded that the evidence was overwhelming, and you have been stripped of all your Tour De France titles. Do you seriously sit here and maintain that you have never been a doper?

Lance. No, never. People have accused me of being a doper. But let me tell you, I have always been intelligent about the way I go about my life, whether that be cycling, dealing with cancer or overseeing my charity organisation. To call someone a doper is to imply that they are an idiot, that they make stupid decisions. I am no dope.

Oprah: So what you are saying is that only dopes would dope, and you’re no dope, so you aren’t a doper?

Lance: What are you smoking there Oprah? What I’m saying is that people have accused me of being a dope, and I’m definitely no dope.

Oprah: They’ve accused you of being a doper, someone who used performance enhancing drugs?

Lance: Oh, oh, like steroid user? Aha, so that’s what they’ve been on about! Well, sure, I’ve used performance enhancing drugs. I have been for years.

Oprah: So you admit to using them?

Lance: Oh yeah, man, we were all using them back in the days, to get an edge on the competition. In fact, the real competition was not the cycling at all, but who could load up on the most EPO without getting detected. Man I was good. I reckon I should have got additional trophies for that!

Oprah: When did you start taking performance enhancing drugs?

Lance: When I was three. I’d be riding my tricycle in the front yard and I would see some of the other kids in their yards going a bit faster than me. This was unacceptable – I needed to be the best. One day I decided to go into the laundry and make a special cocktail of detergent, bleach and toilet cleaner to give myself special powers to go faster. My mother caught me downing a bowl of that and rushed me to hospital. The doctors said that any ordinary kid would have died, but that the lining of my throat and stomach were made of much stronger tissue than anything they had seen before. I experienced no harmful effects whatsoever. It was then that I realised that I was super human. I’ve been swallowing and injecting substances ever since to make me go faster.

Oprah: So you took them for many years?

Lance: I still take them. I just loaded up on some EPO before this interview. I’m feeling like Superman at the moment. Woohoo!

Oprah: Don’t you feel like a cheat?

Lance: Cheating was a strategy for winning, and winning was everything to me. How did we win World War II? We won by dropping a big one on Hiroshima. Some might call that cheating. What about Afghanistan? We’ve been smacking those bearded sheep farmers with Apaches and drones. They’re wandering around in a valley with some home-made rifle made out of old opium pipes, and before they know it, some nerdy 18-year old in a CIA office two thousand miles away has pressed a button on his joystick and nailed that sucker with a drone missile. That’s the way the world is Oprah. It is not a level playing field. People need to get real.

Oprah: But what about the people you have let down, particularly your legions of fans?

Lance: I feel sorry. But at the same time I brought joy to a lot of people. All good things must come to an end. It’s like having sex with a hot chick you bring home from a nightclub, only to find out afterwards she is a dude. You had a good time, but now you feel a bit cheated. But so what? Look, there are more important things to feel bad about, like the war in Syria and people with AIDS in Africa, not to mention kids dying from cancer, which is more important to me these days than all the trophies they took away from me. It was in the past and people just need to move on. I have. And I feel like I can fly at the moment. Woohoo! Wanna race?

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Dec28

Obama inauguration speech – draft

The following is an advanced draft of President Obama’s inauguration speech

obama

Obama ponders his brilliance

I am honoured to be elected again as President of the United States.

Four years ago I started out on a journey as your president. There were challenges that we faced as a nation, but with a determined spirit, we met them together and we triumphed.

The elimination of Osama Bin Laden was a great moment for America. Boy, did I surprise you all by nailing that sucker! No more did I hear “Bock Bock Barack” after that one! I came off looking like a champ.

The success of that mission was really down to my decisiveness and resolve. Not only did I make the tough call of sending our special forces into Pakistan, but I personally directed the movements of our soldiers during the mission using a modified X-Box controller. It was a tense mission, but there were some light moments, like when I briefly gave the controller to Joe and he crashed a Blackhawk.

I began the process of bringing our troops home from Afghanistan, but not before I ramped up US forces to clobber those Taliban hillbillies and further blow out our national debt. Whether Afghanistan will turn into a pile of shit when we leave I cannot say, but I have confidence that President “Banjo” Kazooie will keep the situation under control through his fortitude, wisdom and generous kickbacks to his tribal buddies.

The introduction of my healthcare reforms ensured that many poor Americans are now able to afford medical insurance for the first time. These reforms were passed despite immense opposition from Republicans, who, as you know, want poor people and their children to suffer illnesses and disabilities as further punishment for being unsuccessful in life.

Not all Americans can be success stories like myself. But I say to the poor and wretched, don’t feel so bad, at least you are keeping welfare workers, drug enforcers and prison guards in paid employment.

Despite the biggest financial crisis since the Great Depression, I managed to prevent the US economy from falling into a recession. I saved the auto-industry from collapse, against the advice of Republicans like Mitt Romney who suggested we do nothing. Boy did I highlight this during the election campaign – over and over again. I convinced so many people that I saved the auto industry that poor Mitt, who grew up in Detroit, lost the vote in Michigan (amongst other states). Damn I’m good. I pwned you Mitt – admit it!

The nation faces new and continuing challenges, and I look forward to meeting them in the coming term. At my last inauguration I offered Iran and others who rule with an iron fist an olive branch. Iran took my branch and shat all over it. Let me tell you, the X-box is being fired up and Joe and I are ready to rumble when that red line is crossed. Watch out Ayatollah, Obama’s gonna roll ya!

Meanwhile, we will continue to encourage peace between Israel and Palestine with resounding ambivalence. Even as Benjamin Nuttiyahoo continues to piss all over the peace process with his housing expansions into Palestinian territory, I will continue to reluctantly reaffirm America’s steadfast support for Israel so that I don’t lose support of the Jewish lobby, even as the rest of the world gives Israel the middle finger. But I will continue to rebuff Nuttiyahoo at White House dinners and bitterly whine about him to other world leaders.

I will take steps to deal with climate change. I will endeavour to reduce gun-related violence. I will make America less dependent on foreign oil. I will try to claw back the excesses of the filthy rich and provide opportunities through education to the poor and middle class.

Achieving any of this with a Republican majority in Congress will be difficult – some might say impossible. But they said it was impossible for a black man to be President of the United States. I proved them wrong there. And here I am for a second term. Eat that, haters!

I say dream the impossible dream, fight the unbeatable foe, strive with your last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable star.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew, when I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spat it out. I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way. And in the end I will be proud to say, yes, America, I did it my way!

Thank you, and God Bless these United States of America!

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Dec24

Pope to gays: Get back in the closet!

Pope Bonkadict XVI warmly receives some children

Pope Bonkadict XVI warmly receives children

The following is the draft of the 2012 annual Christmas address by His Holiness before final editing by his minders

Greetings from the Vatican!

The Church has long been a symbol of love, morality and charity to the less fortunate. So it gives me great pleasure this year in my Christmas message to stick it into homosexuals who I hold to be filthy little sinners.

The Church’s record on human rights and protection of the weak is a proud one. Under successive Popes, hundreds of thousands of innocent women were accused of being witches and tortured and executed. We set up inquisitions for scientists. We have encouraged African people to refrain from the use of contraception, helping to spread AIDS to millions of people, including children. We have excluded women from positions of authority in our Church and promoted gender inequality in the wider society. Continuing this tradition, it is our duty to ensure that gay people remain excluded in our society and treated as second class citizens.

There can be no doubt that homosexuality and the prospect of homosexuals marrying each other as a symbol of love and commitment is the worst thing facing mankind.

Jesus himself would probably not have a problem with homosexuals. He was tolerant of prostitutes and all who were outcast from society. But he believed people should devote themselves to God rather than have sexual relationships. In Matt. 19:10-12 he says, “there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” That’s why priests are prohibited to engage in sexual relations, except when they are alone with young boys.

The point is that sex should be about procreation, not recreation. Sure, most couples have sex for pleasure, but that is unfortunate. That’s why we don’t believe in contraception. If you are going to have sex, then it should be for the purpose of conception only. If you don’t want to have another kid, then you shouldn’t be doing it.

Homosexuality is directed towards recreation only, and they cheat by not having to look after a little brat if they they mistime their sex or don’t withdraw in time. They undermine our rules designed to punish couples for sex. This further undermines our marketing strategy to get men to become priests: “Become a Priest. Sure, there’s no sex, but then you don’t have to look after some whining kid or nagging wife. Join the priesthood today.”

The other problem with homosexuals is that they erode the importance of the traditional family. It is sometimes pointed out that, ironically, Jesus was against the importance of the family. In Matt. 10:34-38 he said:

“I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s foes will be those of his own household. He who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”

You might see a contradiction, then, in our support of the traditional family as the central pillar of society. You might also see another contradiction in the prevalence of paedophilia among priests, particularly in relation to sexual relations with boys. There might be those who say that priests who commit sins with young boys are gay themselves. Not so. If they were, they would be wearing earrings and slapping other priests on the bum and the like. That sort of behaviour is not tolerated in the Catholic Church.

A big problem with homosexuality is that it is against nature. They stick it in the wrong hole – the one that nature didn’t intend. Of course, we don’t understand nature much ourselves, because we haven’t even admitted to the reality of evolution and the fact that the Earth and the Universe is older than a few thousand years. But I’m not going to let that hold me back from defining for you what is natural and what is not.

While scientific studies have shown that homosexuality does occur naturally in animal relationships, we all know that science does not hold weight against the authority of the bible, written by a bunch of uneducated shepherds in a field.

Look, not everything in the world makes sense. God is the only one who has all the answers, even though I pretend to speak in his name.

What do you expect of me? I’m 85 years old. I spend most of my day looking for where I left my false teeth. So stop asking me these things!

I’m going to have a nap now.

Let us pray.

Do you understand the Church’s opposition to gay marriage? Please comment below.

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Dec23

Top 10 on Santa’s ‘naughty list’

Santa

Ho, ho, ho there boys and girls. It’s been a big year of screw ups, stupidity and regrets, and we have had our fair share of sorry sods in 2012. Santa is very happy to see this new website to air their confessions and formal apologies.

As always, Santa has been keeping a list of boys and girls who have been good and those who have been bad. Santa would like to share the top ten names from my ‘bad list’, whom I expect to see some apologies from in the New Year.

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1. Bashar al-Assad
This maniac really gets up Santa’s flute. Over 30,000 dead in a civil war that didn’t need to happen. No one likes you Assad. Your daddy left you in power, and now your people want you gone. Talk about a bad smell that won’t go away. Assad has been a bad, bad boy and won’t be getting any presents from Santa this year.

2. The Pope
People often wonder if Santa is religious. I’m a saint of course – Saint Nicholas – and Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus. But Santa doesn’t like to get involved in all that religious mish mash. I focus on my own duties. I oversee the elves as they make toys in Santa’s workshop. I keep a list of who has been naughty and nice. Then I zip all over the world delivering presents to all the good boys and girls like the underpaid postal worker I am.

I leave the religious stuff to others. But Santa feels that they are not doing their job properly.

Santa is very disappointed about the number of priests reported for child molestation who were not investigated or reported by the Church. Santa often gets accused of being a pedophile too, simply because I have boys and girls lining up to sit on my lap all day. But the only one left sore from sitting on old Santa is Santa himself.

Santa doesn’t feel that the Pope is doing enough to protect the boys and girls. He needs to apologise again, this time really mean it and take action to do something about it.

3. Benjamin Netanyahu
Don’t get me wrong, Santa likes Jews. Some of Santa’s elves are Jewish. They make some damn fine toys. The only problem Santa has with them is that they hoard most of the action figures and secretly sell them to Toys Я Us.

But Santa is disappointed that Israel is building settlements on Palestinian land. Santa understands the complexity of the situation, and isn’t happy with Hamas and the terrorists who won’t give Israel peace. But come on Benji, you can do better! Santa wants to see improved behaviour from you in 2013.

4. Ayatollah Khamenei
Santa and the Ayatollah haven’t been on speaking terms for some time. The Ayatollah once accused Santa of being a Western imperialist who corrupts youth by hooking them on consumer goods. He threatened to issue a fatwa on me. The Ayatollah then set out to grow a beard longer than Santa. That was the final straw.

Santa doesn’t believe Iran wants nuclear technology for medical research. Santa would like to see Iran come clean and ditch their nuclear program. While they are at it, they should hold some free elections and stop intimidating the opposition. Yes, Santa supports strong democracy and freedom of speech.

5. Vladimir Putin
Speaking of free speech, Santa was not happy to see the Pussy Riot members put in jail for their protest. Sure, one of them masturbates with a chicken leg. Yes, their music is crap. But Santa likes to see the boys and girls expressing themselves in various ways and making a stand on issues.

Santa knows Vlad well. He likes to think he is a bit of an action hero like Rambo. But Santa thinks he is a coward for not standing up for freedom of speech among his citizens. Come on Vlad, stop acting like a KGB henchman and be a leader!

6. Lance Armstrong
The crud has not even admitted yet that he took steroids. To think that Santa considered putting him alongside Rudolf to power my sleigh, particularly up those steep inclines in the Alps where the reindeers seem to struggle. But he’s ruined all that by being revealed as a systematic doper. Santa expects an apology from Lance in the New Year.

7. Justin Bieber

No explanation required. Little Bieber boy, apologise to the world now!

8. Sam (Im)Bacile
So he fools a bunch of actors into making an anti-Islam film by dubbing over their voices, which sets off protests by Muslims across the world. It’s free speech people, so calm the fuck down. But insulting a religion for no good reason isn’t cool in Santa’s book.

I mean, if the video actually attempted to be an historical reconstruction of the life of the Prophet, and offended people incidentally, then fair enough. But this guy set out to piss people off with a bunch of baloney. But really, I think this guy should apologise for the worst short film of 2012 more than anything – it was dumb!

9. Taliban
The Taliban outdid their own low standards of morality this year by shooting 14-year old human rights activist Malala Yousafzai in the head. Well done Taliban – nothing like shooting a young girl to convince the world that you aren’t a group of stupid extremists. You’re not getting 72 virgins in heaven and you’re not getting any presents from Santa.

10. The Chinese Community Party
After allowing blind activist Chen Guangcheng to leave for America, you would think Santa might shift the CCP off my bad list. But poor Chen spent four years in prison and was then placed under house arrest for speaking out against various injustices in his province, including forced abortions. This year he fled to the US Embassy where, after intense negotiations, the CCP allowed him to leave for America on a student scholarship. But without US intervention, it is likely nothing would have been done for Chen.

Meanwhile, other activists continue to languish in Chinese prisons, including 2010 Nobel Peace Prize Laureate, Liu Xiaobo.

The Chinese don’t allow criticism out of fear they will lose their fragile grip on power. That’s what happens when you are a country of over one billion people, your officials are corrupt, and people don’t have a say over who governs them.

Santa would like to see the CCP introduce democratic reforms and commit themselves to human rights, starting with the release of all its political prisoners. This is coming from a man fatter, redder and crankier than Chairman Mao, so you better listen up CCP!

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These are just some of the names on Santa’s list of children who have been bad in 2012, and who I expect an apology from on this website in 2013.

For all you good boys and girls, I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Speak freely, speak nicely, and look after each other!

Is there anyone you feel shouldn’t get a present this Christmas? Tell Santa below.

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