I surprised many people recently by announcing my retirement. People have been asking, “WTF Benedict, why?”
First of all, my name is Joseph Ratzinger, not Benedict. How would you like it if you took on a new job, and everyone started calling you some other name? You’d feel pretty fricken confused at first, then angry. I understand Karol wanting to be called Pope John Paul, because he had a girl’s name. But what the heck is wrong with calling me Pope Joseph? Joseph was the father of Jesus. (Yeah yeah, Mary was a virgin. LMAO!)
So why did I retire? Well the short answer is that I’m too old for this shit. I was 78 years old when I was elected Pope. At the time I was preparing to enter the retirement village. I was looking forward to playing some canasta with my buddies. Then they go, “Oh Joseph, we need someone to replace Karol, who has just passed away.” I go, can’t you just keep propping him up with a pole like you’ve always done?” They go, “No, his body is decomposing and he’s starting to look like a shish kebab.” ROFL! So I took on the job.
It wasn’t long before I realised that the cardinals had only voted me in because they thought I was too old to interfere with their affairs. Sex offences, money laundering. Instead of Pope, they should have called me the Godfather! Later my butler tried to leak the dirt to the media by stealing my private files. OMG, my butler FFS!
Then I had to deal with all these world issues.
They asked me about condoms and HIV in Africa. I said, ‘IMO, condoms aren’t the answer. The answer is that these randy Africans stop humping each other and become more like our fine priests’. Our priests don’t have HIV of course, because the only people they hump are virgin boys under the age of 14.
So then they start asking about paedophilia among priests. I said, ‘Look, it sickens me. But this sort of thing is in the past. All these priests are now too old to get it up. They are no harm to anyone. Just don’t give them any Viagra and the issue will go away.’
Then I had to deal with all these other loud mouths, like those saying women should be allowed to become priests. That is a funny one. What is the point of having women in the priesthood? Women are only good for cooking and cleaning. They have nothing sensible to say.
Then the gays – WTF? I warned the world in my 2012 Christmas speech that gay marriage was the biggest threat facing mankind. Forget about Iran getting the bomb. Forget about global warming. When you see gays exchanging vows at the altar, you know the world is truly gone to hell!
So when I picked up the newspaper and heard that the British parliament had approved gay marriage, I thought, I give up, no one’s listening. What’s the point in being fricken Pope if no one listens?
So I’m going to spend my time in retirement praying to God that the world does not become overrun by homosexuals, and that the Church will one day regain its position as the undisputed authority over all mankind. Bring back the good old days! Haha, JK.
BTW, GL to the next Pope. He’ll need it!
GTG. Bye noobs!