The following is a preview from Oprah’s exclusive interview (unofficial)

Lance "Needle" Armstung

Lance “Needle” Armstung is sorry

Oprah: Let me get straight to the question that everyone would like you to answer. Have you ever been a doper?

Lance: I’ve never been a doper.

Oprah: But former teammates have confessed that you have been a doper. The US Anti-Doping Agency concluded that the evidence was overwhelming, and you have been stripped of all your Tour De France titles. Do you seriously sit here and maintain that you have never been a doper?

Lance. No, never. People have accused me of being a doper. But let me tell you, I have always been intelligent about the way I go about my life, whether that be cycling, dealing with cancer or overseeing my charity organisation. To call someone a doper is to imply that they are an idiot, that they make stupid decisions. I am no dope.

Oprah: So what you are saying is that only dopes would dope, and you’re no dope, so you aren’t a doper?

Lance: What are you smoking there Oprah? What I’m saying is that people have accused me of being a dope, and I’m definitely no dope.

Oprah: They’ve accused you of being a doper, someone who used performance enhancing drugs?

Lance: Oh, oh, like steroid user? Aha, so that’s what they’ve been on about! Well, sure, I’ve used performance enhancing drugs. I have been for years.

Oprah: So you admit to using them?

Lance: Oh yeah, man, we were all using them back in the days, to get an edge on the competition. In fact, the real competition was not the cycling at all, but who could load up on the most EPO without getting detected. Man I was good. I reckon I should have got additional trophies for that!

Oprah: When did you start taking performance enhancing drugs?

Lance: When I was three. I’d be riding my tricycle in the front yard and I would see some of the other kids in their yards going a bit faster than me. This was unacceptable – I needed to be the best. One day I decided to go into the laundry and make a special cocktail of detergent, bleach and toilet cleaner to give myself special powers to go faster. My mother caught me downing a bowl of that and rushed me to hospital. The doctors said that any ordinary kid would have died, but that the lining of my throat and stomach were made of much stronger tissue than anything they had seen before. I experienced no harmful effects whatsoever. It was then that I realised that I was super human. I’ve been swallowing and injecting substances ever since to make me go faster.

Oprah: So you took them for many years?

Lance: I still take them. I just loaded up on some EPO before this interview. I’m feeling like Superman at the moment. Woohoo!

Oprah: Don’t you feel like a cheat?

Lance: Cheating was a strategy for winning, and winning was everything to me. How did we win World War II? We won by dropping a big one on Hiroshima. Some might call that cheating. What about Afghanistan? We’ve been smacking those bearded sheep farmers with Apaches and drones. They’re wandering around in a valley with some home-made rifle made out of old opium pipes, and before they know it, some nerdy 18-year old in a CIA office two thousand miles away has pressed a button on his joystick and nailed that sucker with a drone missile. That’s the way the world is Oprah. It is not a level playing field. People need to get real.

Oprah: But what about the people you have let down, particularly your legions of fans?

Lance: I feel sorry. But at the same time I brought joy to a lot of people. All good things must come to an end. It’s like having sex with a hot chick you bring home from a nightclub, only to find out afterwards she is a dude. You had a good time, but now you feel a bit cheated. But so what? Look, there are more important things to feel bad about, like the war in Syria and people with AIDS in Africa, not to mention kids dying from cancer, which is more important to me these days than all the trophies they took away from me. It was in the past and people just need to move on. I have. And I feel like I can fly at the moment. Woohoo! Wanna race?