The following is an advanced draft of President Obama’s inauguration speech


Obama ponders his brilliance

I am honoured to be elected again as President of the United States.

Four years ago I started out on a journey as your president. There were challenges that we faced as a nation, but with a determined spirit, we met them together and we triumphed.

The elimination of Osama Bin Laden was a great moment for America. Boy, did I surprise you all by nailing that sucker! No more did I hear “Bock Bock Barack” after that one! I came off looking like a champ.

The success of that mission was really down to my decisiveness and resolve. Not only did I make the tough call of sending our special forces into Pakistan, but I personally directed the movements of our soldiers during the mission using a modified X-Box controller. It was a tense mission, but there were some light moments, like when I briefly gave the controller to Joe and he crashed a Blackhawk.

I began the process of bringing our troops home from Afghanistan, but not before I ramped up US forces to clobber those Taliban hillbillies and further blow out our national debt. Whether Afghanistan will turn into a pile of shit when we leave I cannot say, but I have confidence that President “Banjo” Kazooie will keep the situation under control through his fortitude, wisdom and generous kickbacks to his tribal buddies.

The introduction of my healthcare reforms ensured that many poor Americans are now able to afford medical insurance for the first time. These reforms were passed despite immense opposition from Republicans, who, as you know, want poor people and their children to suffer illnesses and disabilities as further punishment for being unsuccessful in life.

Not all Americans can be success stories like myself. But I say to the poor and wretched, don’t feel so bad, at least you are keeping welfare workers, drug enforcers and prison guards in paid employment.

Despite the biggest financial crisis since the Great Depression, I managed to prevent the US economy from falling into a recession. I saved the auto-industry from collapse, against the advice of Republicans like Mitt Romney who suggested we do nothing. Boy did I highlight this during the election campaign – over and over again. I convinced so many people that I saved the auto industry that poor Mitt, who grew up in Detroit, lost the vote in Michigan (amongst other states). Damn I’m good. I pwned you Mitt – admit it!

The nation faces new and continuing challenges, and I look forward to meeting them in the coming term. At my last inauguration I offered Iran and others who rule with an iron fist an olive branch. Iran took my branch and shat all over it. Let me tell you, the X-box is being fired up and Joe and I are ready to rumble when that red line is crossed. Watch out Ayatollah, Obama’s gonna roll ya!

Meanwhile, we will continue to encourage peace between Israel and Palestine with resounding ambivalence. Even as Benjamin Nuttiyahoo continues to piss all over the peace process with his housing expansions into Palestinian territory, I will continue to reluctantly reaffirm America’s steadfast support for Israel so that I don’t lose support of the Jewish lobby, even as the rest of the world gives Israel the middle finger. But I will continue to rebuff Nuttiyahoo at White House dinners and bitterly whine about him to other world leaders.

I will take steps to deal with climate change. I will endeavour to reduce gun-related violence. I will make America less dependent on foreign oil. I will try to claw back the excesses of the filthy rich and provide opportunities through education to the poor and middle class.

Achieving any of this with a Republican majority in Congress will be difficult – some might say impossible. But they said it was impossible for a black man to be President of the United States. I proved them wrong there. And here I am for a second term. Eat that, haters!

I say dream the impossible dream, fight the unbeatable foe, strive with your last ounce of courage to reach the unreachable star.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew, when I bit off more than I could chew. But through it all, when there was doubt, I ate it up and spat it out. I faced it all and I stood tall and did it my way. And in the end I will be proud to say, yes, America, I did it my way!

Thank you, and God Bless these United States of America!