Pope to gays: Get back in the closet!
The following is the draft of the 2012 annual Christmas address by His Holiness before final editing by his minders
Greetings from the Vatican!
The Church has long been a symbol of love, morality and charity to the less fortunate. So it gives me great pleasure this year in my Christmas message to stick it into homosexuals who I hold to be filthy little sinners.
The Church’s record on human rights and protection of the weak is a proud one. Under successive Popes, hundreds of thousands of innocent women were accused of being witches and tortured and executed. We set up inquisitions for scientists. We have encouraged African people to refrain from the use of contraception, helping to spread AIDS to millions of people, including children. We have excluded women from positions of authority in our Church and promoted gender inequality in the wider society. Continuing this tradition, it is our duty to ensure that gay people remain excluded in our society and treated as second class citizens.
There can be no doubt that homosexuality and the prospect of homosexuals marrying each other as a symbol of love and commitment is the worst thing facing mankind.
Jesus himself would probably not have a problem with homosexuals. He was tolerant of prostitutes and all who were outcast from society. But he believed people should devote themselves to God rather than have sexual relationships. In Matt. 19:10-12 he says, “there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.” That’s why priests are prohibited to engage in sexual relations, except when they are alone with young boys.
The point is that sex should be about procreation, not recreation. Sure, most couples have sex for pleasure, but that is unfortunate. That’s why we don’t believe in contraception. If you are going to have sex, then it should be for the purpose of conception only. If you don’t want to have another kid, then you shouldn’t be doing it.
Homosexuality is directed towards recreation only, and they cheat by not having to look after a little brat if they they mistime their sex or don’t withdraw in time. They undermine our rules designed to punish couples for sex. This further undermines our marketing strategy to get men to become priests: “Become a Priest. Sure, there’s no sex, but then you don’t have to look after some whining kid or nagging wife. Join the priesthood today.”
The other problem with homosexuals is that they erode the importance of the traditional family. It is sometimes pointed out that, ironically, Jesus was against the importance of the family. In Matt. 10:34-38 he said:
“I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man’s foes will be those of his own household. He who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”
You might see a contradiction, then, in our support of the traditional family as the central pillar of society. You might also see another contradiction in the prevalence of paedophilia among priests, particularly in relation to sexual relations with boys. There might be those who say that priests who commit sins with young boys are gay themselves. Not so. If they were, they would be wearing earrings and slapping other priests on the bum and the like. That sort of behaviour is not tolerated in the Catholic Church.
A big problem with homosexuality is that it is against nature. They stick it in the wrong hole – the one that nature didn’t intend. Of course, we don’t understand nature much ourselves, because we haven’t even admitted to the reality of evolution and the fact that the Earth and the Universe is older than a few thousand years. But I’m not going to let that hold me back from defining for you what is natural and what is not.
While scientific studies have shown that homosexuality does occur naturally in animal relationships, we all know that science does not hold weight against the authority of the bible, written by a bunch of uneducated shepherds in a field.
Look, not everything in the world makes sense. God is the only one who has all the answers, even though I pretend to speak in his name.
What do you expect of me? I’m 85 years old. I spend most of my day looking for where I left my false teeth. So stop asking me these things!
I’m going to have a nap now.
Let us pray.
Do you understand the Church’s opposition to gay marriage? Please comment below.